proof of existence

Lately, I’ve begun to feel like nothing I have to say is really worth saying. Even sitting here, typing this post, I’ve backspaced and backspaced and backspaced. I’ve probably backspaced more characters than I’ve written. I just keep thinking, “No one cares.” But not in a sympathy-seeking, self-pitying sort of way. Just that — I’ve had this sudden realization that nobody is special. Which actually I feel a little bit silly saying, since I think people have sort of known this since the dawn of time, but I guess that doesn’t stop every kid from wanting to be the first unique person in the history of the world.

I used to think just being yourself, and putting that out into the world, was a radical act. I shamelessly documented my life, my likes, my dislikes, my friends, and my opinions online. In fact, my internet footprint is so bad that becoming famous and having people find my old accounts would be like, top ten scariest realities. I’ve been using Instagram since it’s inception, Tumblr since Mishapocalypse was still relevant. I had no reservations about typing out exactly how I felt and pressing post. No censorship, no regrets.

My philosophy was always that it didn’t matter who was watching or reading or consuming me and my art, because I just wanted to be my most authentic self. That was really all I was preoccupied with doing, because at the end of the day, you’re living for yourself. But as I’ve aged, I’ve found myself thinking less and less about myself, and more and more about the person sitting on the other side of the keyboard — the audience.

Some of you may know that I started a Youtube channel in 2020, maintained posting for about a year, and then promptly stopped. I stopped because I felt trapped by what people expected me to post, and the silly thing is, I only had 2,000 subscribers. I could’ve easily said screw my subscribers, I’m posting what I want. But I just... couldn’t. Instead, I’ve spent these last few years agonizing over what kind of videos I would want to post, were I to start again.

So ok— here’s the question:

Why did I find it so impossible to not care about who was watching? If you really want to make art and say something meaningful, do you need an audience to do it? Are we only making art to be consumed? Who are we trying to talk to? What are we trying to say? And why should we try to say anything at all?

I really don’t think I have anything special to say. In fact, I think there is an oversaturation of young, twenty-something girls talking about their interests, their style, the media they consume, and their often regurgitated internet opinions, on social media. Even if I decided I wanted to document my life for me, what do other people gain from seeing that?

So then, that rules out posting just to document my life. Because if I really just wanted to document it, I could just do it and not post it and not contribute to the overwhelming pool of videos that already exist. Okay. But then what? I don’t think I’m qualified enough to be making video essays or academic videos. Next. I don’t really care to make empty “aesthetic” videos that contain no actual substance, however good an exercise in editing they may be. Next. Fashion hauls and makeup videos feel too close to promoting overconsumption and unhealthy body image for my liking. Next. I hate self-help as a genre, no one gives a fuck what “healthy living habits” “changed your life at 24”. Next. Next. Next.

Me of three years ago would probably say “Who cares about saying something useful? At least you’re saying something at all.” But that’s the problem — somehow, I’ve really started to care about not putting empty content out into the world. So let’s brainstorm. Here’s what I’m thinking I would be okay with doing.

1) Making videos for my friends and family

The idea behind this — they’re an audience I actually care about. They know me. Maybe they’ll be interested in what I have to say from a personal perspective which somehow makes content generation feel more meaningful. So, I start a new channel. I try not to care about subscribers.

2) Favorites

A return to the classic: posting your favorites of every month. I think this is a form of “documenting yourself” that actually can be posted without caring who is seeing it, as a way of condensing all the something of who you are and what you’re feeling at a certain moment into a short-form video. Added bonus: maybe the people watching will have similar interests, and you can feel more alive by connecting with people that way.

3) Documenting my friends and family

You know, sometimes I feel like the only thing really special about me is not myself but the people I choose to surround myself with and who I love. Capturing the wisdom of my grandparents, the tenacity of my parents, the joy and youth of my friends. That labor of love — that would really be worth it.

But yeah, those are the thoughts I’ve been having. I still don’t really have it figured it out, so if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions, let’s hash it out, debate, discuss. I want to create but I cannot! And it’s entirely a cage of my own making.

The ironic thing is that I’m sitting here and typing this and hitting post on this and still thinking, “No one cares”. At least in this case, it’s more of a way for me to puzzle out my own thoughts. But here’s to me, and hopefully the reader, caring.